My story

“It was always my fault”
“Bullies aren’t intimidating…I chose to be intimidated by bullies.”

I was always taught that self-focusing and putting myself first was selfish, and I believed it. I thought to myself, if the people that I learned this from was correct, why did I consider suicide so many times during this period in my life? This led to an unhealthy state of mind, which led to negative effects in other avenues in my life. My lack of having and maintaining a healthy state of mind affected the inward part of me and how I view myself. My own self-care and the ability to show myself natural affection wasn’t considered. No one on this planet had ever told me that the best thing that I can ever do for myself is just that…” Do what’s best for me!” What good am I to anyone if I’m not good to myself …first!
Then I developed the attitude of thinking and focusing on myself more. First thing I did was stop listening to people that assumed that they knew what was best for me. I was well into my adult years already and I didn’t need a puppet master. Then I had to be reprogrammed and adjust my conditioned attitude towards myself. Honestly, I was tired of disliking myself over nothing. I had to accept that I was unique and one of a kind. The best part is that I don’t care if other people don’t realize this about me now. We all are unique and one of a kind in our own ways, so it shouldn’t be a problem. This new attitude that I had developed gave me a sense of empowerment. It took some professional help, self-analyzation, and a lot of hard work. Now I tell people courageously that I do what’s best for me and I’m not ashamed to say it. Everyone should have this attitude. It’s not called selfish, it’s called sanity!

Mental Health Illness! The name itself turns heads and raises red flags. Why? Because it’s a topic that’s been gaining momentum due to the circulation of it throughout the mainstream media and daily conversations. And everyone can and will be affected in some way or another one day. With so many bad things going on in the world, it’s going to affect you mentally. For some, they’ve been diagnosed with mental health illnesses such as depression, anxiety disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, anger issues, bipolar disorder, and the list goes on. These illnesses have deep rooted causes. For one, we all were born imperfect, so we all get sick either physically, mentally, or both. Also included are our own life experiences that can cause our mental illness. Let me share with you my mental illness discovery, going way back to my childhood, and it’s not what you think. I’ll discuss with you the affect it had on me going into adulthood that my own mother wasn’t even aware of, and she died never finding out. Then I’m going to share with you my time receiving mental therapy because of suicidal thoughts. Finally, my acceptance and apologizing to myself for ever considering harming my favorite human on this planet…. Me!

My struggle with “Self-Inflicted People-Pleasing Depression”

I already know what you’re thinking… you never heard of this type of depression but read on. First, let’s understand a simple definition of depression. Depression is a severe case of discouragement and loss of hope. It affects the way you feel, the way you act and think. My depression was different because it came from feelings of inadequacy of not being able to be praised or accepted by others, even if I didn’t know them or wasn’t to fond of them. So, this depression was self-inflicted and was personally caused by me. Deep down, I wasn’t really interested in being their friends, I just wanted to be accepted by them and was willing to make myself feel inferior to make them feel good. I was going along to get along with the wrong people by being a people pleaser. A people pleaser is a person that has an emotional need to be helpful and kind to others, sometimes at the risk of being unkind to themselves. Understand, there’s nothing wrong with trying to please others, but these were the wrong people to be trying to please. These were narcissistic know it all’s with arrogant behaviors. I allowed them to drain my mental and emotional energy. Looking back, I viewed some as bullies, by allowing them to discourage me and make me feel inadequate around them. This made me feel bad about myself and I voluntarily gave others my personal power. But this wasn’t their fault, and they weren’t really bullies. I was just so hard on myself that I believed I deserved to be beneath them, shamed, periodically bad-mouth. I convinced myself that I should put up with them, and I needed their validation to feel better about myself. My whole life was centered on how others felt about me. Why was I so afraid of displeasing people? These people were more irritating than intimidating. Yes…bullies and narcissist are annoying, but I was too afraid to tell them this to keep from displeasing them. I was too busy putting up with other people’s bad behavior towards me that it made me treat myself badly. Where did I get this way of thinking from? I hated my life, and it was all my fault! I was unhappy with myself because I was too ashamed to be myself. I was tired of feeling guilty for being afraid to be myself and it was time for a change.

My Mental Therapy Experience

When I first went to therapy, it was awkward. I was never the type to express myself….my true self. I was very good at putting a veil over my real self, and it was a burden. It was like putting a chain around my neck and telling other people to drag me around like a cocker spaniel. But it was time for me to start healing because I knew that something with me wasn’t right. I was suffering from low self-esteem from people pleasing depression, misuse of alcohol from people pleasing depression, anxiety disorder from people pleasing depression, insomnia from people pleasing depression, anger issues, or downright mad at myself from people pleasing depression. I needed some help, fast, or I was going to execute myself. And I believed that my only way out was to die. Therapy taught me that the only way out was to get to know myself first, then take it from there. So, I followed that advice, and I’m glad I did.

Thinking and meditating continuously made me realize that I really didn’t hate myself, I just didn’t know myself. What this involved was knowing what I like and don’t like, including certain attitudes from people. I was conditioned to put up with people because of their imperfections. But self-respect is involved when it comes to what you’re willing to put up with. This is no one business because everyone is different when it comes to the word respect and how they choose to give and receive it. As for me, I’m content with just having self-respect and showing respect to others instead of expecting to receive it. When it comes to receiving respect from others, I would prefer having the option to stay around or the option to leave if I believe that I’m experiencing disrespect from someone.

The therapist also informed me about my problem with being a people-pleaser. He told me that people-pleasers, if not careful, can unknowingly enable people into adopting a narcissistic attitude. We live in a “false sense of entitlement” culture and a lot of people believe that they’re owed something, including special treatment and attention. I was assisting them by making these people think that I owe them something including my time and energy. If this was true, why did this make me feel less then? Because I wasn’t doing it for the right reasons. I was doing things for others that I really didn’t want to do, just for recognition, and I was too afraid to tell them that fabulous two letter word…NO! I didn’t even know myself, why focus so much on others. Why do something if you don’t even know why you’re doing it? Sometimes we convince ourselves that others deserve something. My grandmother once told me that the only thing humans deserve is the “consequences of their sins.” This is so true! I still remember one of the most powerful statements the therapist said to me. He told me to never be ashamed of who I am, because there’s only one of me. If people can’t seem to get that, it’s not my problem. So, for now on, I don’t have a problem with me, other people do!

Moving on while Mentally Healing

Ironically, my first time in therapy was around 20 years ago. Over the years since then, it’s still a progressive battle to stay mentally sane these days. But I no longer have these self-deletion thoughts and I only try to please people that’s worth my kindness. I’m still discovering things about myself that I even find intriguing. For one, I figured out that the most interesting person to me is me. I also recognize that even though companionship has its mental benefits, I still experience the most peace of mind during alone time. Yes, I’m also a Bonafide introvert, loner, and weirdo. I discovered, unlike most humans, that I don’t need human validation and approval. I understand that everyone has their own particular story to tell, so it makes me a better listener. I’m always willing to learn new things, especially about people. Hopefully, CplusMore can assist in teaching you new things about yourself. Keep healing and stay healthy my friends!